Would you believe all this could be your for
only twice the price of the car under it?
Every one has heard of a cousin of the neighbor who had a woman pop out
of a cake for a birthday, bachelor party, or baptismal, but has anyone
actually seen it outside of the movies? Well have you? I thought not.
So with nothing better to do with a Friday we decided to answer questions
such as; Where does one get said cake, How to locate an oven that big
(outside of the gingerbread house), and do you eat the cake after word?
With this in mind our intrepid band set out to answer these questions
and more in this episode of Curiosity Kills.
started our search at the local Wal-mart, yes the red neck Mecca, where
you can get anything form groceries to the latest in consumer grade technologies
(not near as good as the pharmaceutical grade stuff we get). We do feel
the need to mention that we start many adventures at Wal-mart, not because
we necessarily believe we can get what we are looking for so much as for
the look on the poor clerks face when we explain ourselves. We proceeded
to the bakery in Wal-mart, while they knew exactly what we meant they
where not able to help us. They did suggest a traditional bakery.
Armed with this, Tyler suggested we find somewhere that makes wedding
cakes, they being the largest we have ever seen. While the selection did
not live up to expectations, undaunted we entered the establishment an
inquired. With a dawning look of horror and recognition the proprietor
shooed the trench-coated freaks (yep, us) out of the store. Our assurances
that it was indeed for a Wedding did nothing to assuage her fears.
Deciding that we had not exhausted the possibilities of a bakery we headed
to the mall on Rusty's suggestion, because "Everyone knows you can
get anything at the mall." We consulted the mall directory and found
the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and Michelle's. We decide against
the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory because we where not looking for
chocolate covered tarts on this adventure. At Michelle's, we were informed
that their cakes are shipped premade without human occupants. This was
not a total loss, as an attractive sales clerk advised us that she would
jump out of the cake if we procured one. Proving the cake seemed more
difficult to get than the filling. We made a beeline for the information
booth (for information), and were accosted bye one of those annoying survey
takers. This lady proved not annoying at all, and though we did not fit
the profile she was looking for and she did not fit ours; not being a
cake, she did give us the suggestion of a piñata shop. This seemed
as plausible as any other suggestion. We absconded with a phone book from
the information desk; hey, they were useful for something more than vapid
stares and too much lip-gloss.
While roaming through the P section of the yellow pages we did not find
piñatas, however we could not help but notice the plethora of party
stores. Being of lazy temperaments and unreliable transportation, we choose
the closest party store to the mall. They too knew what we where talking
about, but they had nothing legitimate or creative to add to our search
(we wont even bother to catalog the suggestions in interest of saving
the dignity of our readers and the store).
We independently decided to try Zeezo’s magic castle, local costume
and magic shop; the explosives had nothing to do with it. While we did
find many objects of desire, none where related to our current quandary.
The proprietor did have a suggestion; if nothing else Universal Studios
might sill have their props. He also mentioned making our own in light
of the rarity.
We where faced with the prospect of having no new input we wandered to
the nearest large housing of human knowledge, in this case Barnes and
Nobel bookseller. While we did appreciate the attentiveness of the salesclerks
in checking if we needed anything in particular repeatedly, we decided
to return the favor by asking the sales associate where we could find
information on the elusive cake. They suggested the bakery section (anyone
see a theme here?). After dragging Rusty away from his favorite section,
we headed over. There was some debate over which material would prove
most useful, or at least most entertaining. We where thrilled to find
a book on" 101 Things to Do With Cake Batter"(Oh the possibilities!),
despite the title there was nothing mentioned about a cake large enough
for someone to pop out of. We where beginning to believe that this whole
idea was nothing more than an urban myth, or elaborate joke. Disheartened
disillusioned and ready for more caffeine, we went back to base camp to
As luck would have it in the root of our clandestine headquarters we
happened across Rob. Rob, pimp daddy extraordinaire, the man in the know,
and our part-time Ebonics teacher. We thought to ourselves here is a man
who may know where to get what we are looking for. If anyone were to know
the correct combination of sugar, flour, eggs, milk and scantily clad
woman to achieve the desired effect it would be Rob. After offering several
suggestions we will not mention here (the web is full of those sites).
He recommended we go to one of the many establishments operating outside
of blue laws in Colorado (Blue laws deal with moral behavior). He then
provided us with addresses, establishment names, managers’ names,
detailed listing of merchandise, and where to get quarters. We started
on another yet obvious solution to our quest. After visiting several of
these "bookstores", we happened across a book featuring upon
the cover the very image of the act we were seeking. “This is it,
here is the answer we are seeking”; however to our disappointment
the information contained therein revealed no hidden truths on the manufacture
or procurement of such a cake, regardless of the image emblazed on the
cover. The proprietor of the establishment seeing our dismay inquired
if he could be of assistance, when we explained, he suggested certain
"gentlemen’s clubs” that he felt more likely to provide
Sean suggested an establishment by the name of Deja vu, citing that it
was an established chain, and had some standards. On his advice we headed
off. Upon pulling into the parking lot of the less then reputable destination
we spoke to the manager as to whether his establishment could provide
the service we required. Alas, to no avail, failure seemed eminent. Was
this nothing more than a fool’s errand, a Hollywood fabrication,
an elusive illusion? In defeat we turned to reconsider our use of copious
spare time, at a local eating establishment named Perkins.
Sitting quietly, contemplating our failure we could not help but overhear
the conversation at the table next to us. The young lady mentioned that
she was a dancer, we thought to ourselves, "Why not?" we have
tried everything else; why not offend a promising young Ballerina by asking
an odd and possibly embarrassing question. It turns out to our good fortune
she was not a ballerina, but a dancer of more "exotic" persuasion.
Not only did this wonderful young lady know of the service, she knew where
to get it. Like a Boy Scout, always prepared, she handed us a business
card and said, "If any one can, he can." We thanked her profusely,
snatched the card from her and hurried to the nearest payphone to use
some of those many quarters Rob had insisted we needed. Unfortunately
there was a reporter changing his clothes in that phone booth, and the
one down the street had a tall lanky guy with a ridiculously long, garish
scarf in it.
In our excitement we had forgotten to catalog all the techie gear on
us, yes forgotten was the list as long as your arm of technological gadget,
communication devices and global location equipment that keeps us wired
wherever we go, you'd think we would have remembered it, it only weighs
about 20 lbs. Rusty managed to dial faster and get through to the establishment,
while the rest of us received busy signals. Though we had called at the
unsightly hour of midnight, the phone was answered on the second ring.
A gentleman going by the nom de plum Big D informed us that he could in
fact provide the cake ($25 rental) appropriately clad woman, bouncer,
and DJ at the going rate of $150 per hour plus tips. He then informed
us that he did previously had a cake, but it proved unpopular, and he
would have to build another one for $75 in labor and material Plus the
afore mentioned rate.
So there you have it folks, all you have to do is spend an entire day
searching, and you might have the good fortune of running into an exotic
dancer, in a strange restaurant, in the middle of the night, to direct
you to the service you need.