Would you believe all this could be your for only twice the price of the car under it?

Every one has heard of a cousin of the neighbor who had a woman pop out of a cake for a birthday, bachelor party, or baptismal, but has anyone actually seen it outside of the movies? Well have you? I thought not. So with nothing better to do with a Friday we decided to answer questions such as; Where does one get said cake, How to locate an oven that big (outside of the gingerbread house), and do you eat the cake after word? With this in mind our intrepid band set out to answer these questions and more in this episode of Curiosity Kills.

We started our search at the local Wal-mart, yes the red neck Mecca, where you can get anything form groceries to the latest in consumer grade technologies (not near as good as the pharmaceutical grade stuff we get). We do feel the need to mention that we start many adventures at Wal-mart, not because we necessarily believe we can get what we are looking for so much as for the look on the poor clerks face when we explain ourselves. We proceeded to the bakery in Wal-mart, while they knew exactly what we meant they where not able to help us. They did suggest a traditional bakery.

Armed with this, Tyler suggested we find somewhere that makes wedding cakes, they being the largest we have ever seen. While the selection did not live up to expectations, undaunted we entered the establishment an inquired. With a dawning look of horror and recognition the proprietor shooed the trench-coated freaks (yep, us) out of the store. Our assurances that it was indeed for a Wedding did nothing to assuage her fears.

Deciding that we had not exhausted the possibilities of a bakery we headed to the mall on Rusty's suggestion, because "Everyone knows you can get anything at the mall." We consulted the mall directory and found the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and Michelle's. We decide against the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory because we where not looking for chocolate covered tarts on this adventure. At Michelle's, we were informed that their cakes are shipped premade without human occupants. This was not a total loss, as an attractive sales clerk advised us that she would jump out of the cake if we procured one. Proving the cake seemed more difficult to get than the filling. We made a beeline for the information booth (for information), and were accosted bye one of those annoying survey takers. This lady proved not annoying at all, and though we did not fit the profile she was looking for and she did not fit ours; not being a cake, she did give us the suggestion of a piñata shop. This seemed as plausible as any other suggestion. We absconded with a phone book from the information desk; hey, they were useful for something more than vapid stares and too much lip-gloss.

While roaming through the P section of the yellow pages we did not find piñatas, however we could not help but notice the plethora of party stores. Being of lazy temperaments and unreliable transportation, we choose the closest party store to the mall. They too knew what we where talking about, but they had nothing legitimate or creative to add to our search (we wont even bother to catalog the suggestions in interest of saving the dignity of our readers and the store).

We independently decided to try Zeezo’s magic castle, local costume and magic shop; the explosives had nothing to do with it. While we did find many objects of desire, none where related to our current quandary. The proprietor did have a suggestion; if nothing else Universal Studios might sill have their props. He also mentioned making our own in light of the rarity.

We where faced with the prospect of having no new input we wandered to the nearest large housing of human knowledge, in this case Barnes and Nobel bookseller. While we did appreciate the attentiveness of the salesclerks in checking if we needed anything in particular repeatedly, we decided to return the favor by asking the sales associate where we could find information on the elusive cake. They suggested the bakery section (anyone see a theme here?). After dragging Rusty away from his favorite section, we headed over. There was some debate over which material would prove most useful, or at least most entertaining. We where thrilled to find a book on" 101 Things to Do With Cake Batter"(Oh the possibilities!), despite the title there was nothing mentioned about a cake large enough for someone to pop out of. We where beginning to believe that this whole idea was nothing more than an urban myth, or elaborate joke. Disheartened disillusioned and ready for more caffeine, we went back to base camp to reflect.

As luck would have it in the root of our clandestine headquarters we happened across Rob. Rob, pimp daddy extraordinaire, the man in the know, and our part-time Ebonics teacher. We thought to ourselves here is a man who may know where to get what we are looking for. If anyone were to know the correct combination of sugar, flour, eggs, milk and scantily clad woman to achieve the desired effect it would be Rob. After offering several suggestions we will not mention here (the web is full of those sites). He recommended we go to one of the many establishments operating outside of blue laws in Colorado (Blue laws deal with moral behavior). He then provided us with addresses, establishment names, managers’ names, detailed listing of merchandise, and where to get quarters. We started on another yet obvious solution to our quest. After visiting several of these "bookstores", we happened across a book featuring upon the cover the very image of the act we were seeking. “This is it, here is the answer we are seeking”; however to our disappointment the information contained therein revealed no hidden truths on the manufacture or procurement of such a cake, regardless of the image emblazed on the cover. The proprietor of the establishment seeing our dismay inquired if he could be of assistance, when we explained, he suggested certain "gentlemen’s clubs” that he felt more likely to provide the goods.

Sean suggested an establishment by the name of Deja vu, citing that it was an established chain, and had some standards. On his advice we headed off. Upon pulling into the parking lot of the less then reputable destination we spoke to the manager as to whether his establishment could provide the service we required. Alas, to no avail, failure seemed eminent. Was this nothing more than a fool’s errand, a Hollywood fabrication, an elusive illusion? In defeat we turned to reconsider our use of copious spare time, at a local eating establishment named Perkins.

Sitting quietly, contemplating our failure we could not help but overhear the conversation at the table next to us. The young lady mentioned that she was a dancer, we thought to ourselves, "Why not?" we have tried everything else; why not offend a promising young Ballerina by asking an odd and possibly embarrassing question. It turns out to our good fortune she was not a ballerina, but a dancer of more "exotic" persuasion. Not only did this wonderful young lady know of the service, she knew where to get it. Like a Boy Scout, always prepared, she handed us a business card and said, "If any one can, he can." We thanked her profusely, snatched the card from her and hurried to the nearest payphone to use some of those many quarters Rob had insisted we needed. Unfortunately there was a reporter changing his clothes in that phone booth, and the one down the street had a tall lanky guy with a ridiculously long, garish scarf in it.

In our excitement we had forgotten to catalog all the techie gear on us, yes forgotten was the list as long as your arm of technological gadget, communication devices and global location equipment that keeps us wired wherever we go, you'd think we would have remembered it, it only weighs about 20 lbs. Rusty managed to dial faster and get through to the establishment, while the rest of us received busy signals. Though we had called at the unsightly hour of midnight, the phone was answered on the second ring. A gentleman going by the nom de plum Big D informed us that he could in fact provide the cake ($25 rental) appropriately clad woman, bouncer, and DJ at the going rate of $150 per hour plus tips. He then informed us that he did previously had a cake, but it proved unpopular, and he would have to build another one for $75 in labor and material Plus the afore mentioned rate.

So there you have it folks, all you have to do is spend an entire day searching, and you might have the good fortune of running into an exotic dancer, in a strange restaurant, in the middle of the night, to direct you to the service you need.

Ooh Free Cookies!
"But honest, it's for a wedding."
We just hate those miniturize imports.
They didn't need a phone book anyway.
It's the extra 'pe' that makes the difference.
Damn, apparently we needed soloution #102.
"MOM, he just took my book."
Crack would be cheaper...
But what about groups in trenchcoats?
You can't judge a book by it's cover.
These are the only people in town who hadn't heard the concept.
100's of beautiful girls and 3 ugly ones.
Define family...
but obviously not cakes.